i’m starting my own awards show

i don’t really get the appeal of the oscars. it’s a giant hollywood circle jerk where they virtue signal and talk about disasters in third world countries while wearing 20,000 dollar dresses. it seems like a sick joke that the aliens who developed our world slipped into the programming, but then the masses were like “oh SHIT BREAD AND CIRCUSES?” and now it’s televised in like a six hour time slot. WHOOPS.

so i’m starting my own awards show to eventually topple the oscars and win the affection of resident hollywood hunk paul rudd. it’s called the Peteys, and the statues are two hands doing approving finger guns. so without further a due, here are the categories for the FIRST ANNUAL PETEYS.

– BEST ONE-LINER
– BEST ON-SET LEAKED PHOTO
– PAUL RUDD (this is the part of the show where we give paul a petey, it’ll entice him to show up every year)
– BEST ANTAGONIST (willem dafoe as green goblin is always a strong front runner)
– BEST TWIST ENDING (also called the shamaylan award)
– BEST TRAILER (any trailer where the sound creshendoes before cutting out completely and a character says a witty line is automatically disqualified)
– MOST PLOT-HOLES/MOST NONSENSICAL PLOT (the last jedi is rumored to have this one in the bag, as there were no harry potter films released this year. was the last jedi released this year? who cares, fuck that movie.)

if i still give a shit in a week, i’ll update with winners. spoiler: (i won’t)