this dude like one of the best modern actors and ain’t nobody said shit about it, so i’m here to set the record straight (then gay for one film, then straight again *rimshot*). jake gyllenhall, or as he’s more commonly known, THE HALL has been in every good movie released since 1999. he single-handedly beat russia in OCTOBER SKY with his missile, making him the actual first hero in the MCU (not that dumbass goateed tony stark). then he played rabbit-loving teen donald darko in the movie of the same name.
and then this dude throws us the only good disaster movie ever (besides twister, i know, shut up) called THE DAY AFTER THE DAY OF TOMORROW and we’re like ‘we’re not worthy’ and jake says, ‘i know, it’s OK.’ then he gives us brokeback mountain which i was like ‘huh i thought this was about that dude who got his arm caught in a rock?’ but i figured it could happen at any time so i waited.
so then THE HALL says to himself, ‘hm, i’ve done disaster films, i’ve done psychological time travel movies, i’ve done dudes, what else haven’t i done?’ so he stars in a movie about men with learning disabilities called JARHEAD, and then is like ‘oh that wasn’t good enough? how about FUCKIN’ BAM,’ crime thriller. ZODIAC. and then some kid is like, ‘hall i know i’m not worthy but i haven’t seen you do a film about a video game’ and he was like well i’ll do this one movie JUST FOR YOU and made PRINCE OF PERSIA, which a lot of people didn’t like but he didn’t fucking make it for you, shut up.
then everyone decided THE HALL was too damn likeable so he became a psychopath and starred in NIGHTCRAWLER, which is the best film about people who film car accidents ever. if that wasn’t disturbing enough, in THE HALL’s next role he plays jared leto playing an evil CEO in BLADE RUNNER 2049. now he’s supposed to be the bad guy in the new spider-man movie, and i must say, it’ll be hard to beat willem dafoe’s green goblin, but if anyone can do it, it’s the hall.
pete n' tony's internet adventure 