i’m in denial that my eight year old computer is close to death and full of russian porn viruses (my windows defender can’t find them if they use made up letters like ‘ж’, which is fonetically pronounced ‘niekitashimlovum’ and replaces the english letter ‘b’). thanks putin, i don’t even vote, you fucking shill.
so i’m going through my installed apps and striking them from my hard drive like old testament god killing those who were faithful to him and women who were cheated on by their husbands, when i find ‘Microsoft Solitaire Collection’. 16 fucking kilobytes of my precious space, this thing uses. how long has this FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT been FREE-LOADING on my hard drive?
but i realized that, although a piece of fuck that no-one wants, the solitaire collection will actually serve a great dual-purpose as a litmus test when john carpenter’s the thing is finally unfrozen and takes over our earth. if you walk into an office and see your co-worker playing microsoft solitaire collection ™, do not panic. follow these steps:
1. do not panic. OK panic a little, but be cool baby and follow these steps:
2. leave the room immediately
3. get that ‘just in case’ gun from your desk that you bought when jerry was forced to retire for that weird joke no one talks about
4. wait outside the office until your co-worker completes a full solitaire — they will be entranced for exactly one minute and twenty-nine seconds while the cards bounce down. this is your chance.
5. paint their fucking cubicle with their alien gray matter.
6. oh god i was thinking of ‘they live’, not ‘the thing’.
7. you have to burn the aliens from the thing, and you picked a bad day to quit smoking. just run, you can’t kill these aliens.
although in all honesty, we don’t have to wait for john carpetner to be unfrozen. if you ever walk into my room and i’m playing microsoft solitaire collection ™ (16.0kb), go ahead and blow my head off anyway. safe to assume i’m done living at that point.
pete n' tony's internet adventure 