everywhere you look, there’s some stupid fucking blog run by a linda that gives you 13 handy remedies for whatever happens to be troubling you. naturally when you’re trying to avoid the doctors office by googling your symptoms, the probability of you taking that dumb shit blog seriously goes up by 37%. so for those of you finding THIS dumb shit blog by googling “how to get rid of ants”, WELCOME. I WELCOME YOU. we’re gonna have so much fun together.
in order to keep your hair trigger attention locked on my page (i have no idea how ad revenue works but if you’re here, i think i make money), i’ve compiled a handy guide of ant phobias — stuff that you can spread around your ant entries to keep those little fucks out of your home. so without further a do, here is
PETER’S HANDY GUIDE TO ANT PHOBIAS:
– vaseline: spread it around ant entries. ants hate getting their feet greasy.
– honey: ants love honey, but they get stuck in it. if you collect enough ants this way, you can actually hear their collective screams of terror, which is fun.
– sneeze on them: no one appreciates this.
– earbuds: leave an earbud right next to an ant entry (fuck i should’ve been calling them “ant-ries”) and blast anything by rage against the machine through those buds. ants are inherently right wing and cannot stand rage’s anti-establishment lyrics.
– unannounced emotional needs: call the ants unexpectedly and force a conversation on them during which you admit that you’re not really over your ex, and you saw someone who looked like them at subway today and you really just needed someone to listen and convince them that the relationship was worse than you’re remembering it and not to text your ex something random and then say “sorry, wrong person” in hopes that it gets a conversation started. ants are HORRIBLE at emotional support and can rarely think of anything supportive to say. they will make up a bullshit reason and excuse themselves the first chance they get.
if none of these work, shit, you might be fucked. no ants i’ve come across have been able to withstand all of these methods. don’t try them right now though, keep scrolling through my blog instead. i need the money.
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