sometimes when i feel like my life is going too well and i’ve got things figured out about as much as i can, i like to listen to the music i used to listen to in middle school just to remind myself of what i thought was OK the last time i “had everything figured out”. of course you can’t just go to spotify and load up limp bizkit and expect your life to stay the same. you pay taxes, you vote. you are an adult now. so the safest bet is to first utilize that “private session” feature that spotify introduced specifically for nu-metal, and then make sure everyone in the immediate area knows that you hate limp bizkit and you’re totally only doing it ironically. at this point you can load up “break stuff” and really start questioning your life decisions that have led you to this point. feel free to laugh at fred durt’s immature lyrics and whiny-boi delivery, but you’ll be singing along before too long. these lyrics are somehow hard-wired into your brain despite you not being able to remember your father’s birthday.
it doesn’t have to be limp bizkit, that just happens to be my angsty, rapping rosebud. it could be whatever you used at a young age to cope with not being liked by everyone. if you’re ever feeling too confident, here are some other things you can do to give yourself the emotional battery equivalent to a body check by zdeno chara:
– find your yearbooks: find your picture and cringe into the sun. what were you thinking with that [insert poorly aged decision here]? for bonus points, read what your friends wrote in your yearbook. maybe you’re like, yeah, peter that’s not me though, who cares? but keep in mind you wrote something just as fucking stupid in theirs.
– look up your first serious bf/gf/significant other (limp bizkit reference intended, fuck my life): aight what the FUCK were you thinking there? you two had all the compatibility of an N64 cartridge being shoved into my PS4 by my stoned roommate who wanted to play the original mario kart. you told them you loved them, and guess what? you fucking DID. how’s that for sobering?
– find your first attempt at poetry/creative writing/songwriting/being artistic: even the most jockiest, uncreative people have tried at one time or another to be creative. their level of success usually indicates what comes after in their lives (looking at you, adolf). for example, the first song i ever wrote was a satirical song about dating a girl who was a communist. it used the same three fucking chords over and over for about four minutes. it had no references to nookie or chainsaws. as you can imagine, it was pretty fucking trash. i do everything i can to bury that memory as deep as i possibly can in my brain, but it serves as a nice reminder that some people are not meant to create, for their creations only bring misery to the world. that’s why my last band broke up. it was a humanitarian move, and yes, you are welcome.
– scroll further than three posts down on your facebook profile: if you still use that piece of flaming garbage website, first of all, what you doin’. once you’ve thought about that for awhile, load up your profile page and scroll down to say, a month ago. embarassed yet? keep going, let’s look back six months ago. if you’re not embarrassed by now, i am truly impressed by your committment to your past self. this one’s pretty easy actually, you just keep scrolling until you find something that you had forgotten about and want to delete. then read that x10 and know that you felt that that was so important that it was worth sharing with all 59 of your friends.
if you’re still feeling confident in your decisions after doing these things, congratulations, you are an actual sociopath. turn yourself in before you wanna justify ripping someone’s head off. on the bright side, you now know that you’ve come a long way since then. at least until you look back on the facebook posts you’re making now and cringe again.
pete n' tony's internet adventure 