gildan brand t-shirts: “wait, you were planning on washing this?”

i can’t really be mad at every good band ever for using gildan brand shirts, they’re cheap and god knows you can’t afford high-quality merch when spotify literally pays you with three pennies that they just sucked on. but GODDAMMIT can’t i just rep some dope-ass bands without my bellybutton catching wafting pollen on a summer breeze? gildan’s slogan should be “forcing you to fix your farmer’s tan one wear at a time.”

one halloween when i was a wee lad fresh out of high school, my friend and i bought cheap white tees from target and covered them in corn syrup and red dye for our zombie costumes. what we didn’t realize was that the syrup, wehn dried, created a hard surface not unlike plate armor worn by virgins who cosplay their life-consuming warhammer 40k cosplays at the convention center in victorville, california. this plate of dried corn syrup was such an atrocity committed upon our teenage nipples that people were asking us how we got that dripping blood effect for our costumes and how spooky it was. that is what its like wearing a gildan brand t-shirt.

i’ve worn a cardboard stormtrooper outfit that fit better than my brand new descendents t-shirt. i wore that thing once and then it shrunk until i gave up and donated it to a goodwill specifically for small dogs. i wish it were some deep, punk statement about the fleeting quality of material possessions, or the follies of capitalism, but TBH i think it was just an embarassing quality shirt that shrank even as i took it off and threw it in the hamper. fuck you gildan, you’re the reason i have trust issues. that, and my dad bailing when i was 11, but mostly it’s your fault.