remember when you were young and had everything figured out, and death was a concept that seemed so foriegn until tony stark died in endgame and you were like “oh so THIS is pain?” yeah, i don’t really remember that feeling either, or even what the fuck i was thinking the last time i had things under control because, spoiler alert (yes, after the endgame spoiler, fuck you) i didn’t actually have things under control. but i’ve noticed that young people’s flippent attitude toward death and all things precious in life can be directly tracked by how they treat the things they have around them. specifically, how people hang out with their friends throughout their lives.
so in order to get an idea of what your mental age might be, i created this handy guide to hanging out with friends:
ages 0-13: what are consequences? at this age, i wanted to see how hard i could hit my friends with sticks during our swordfights, or alternatively, how hard i could throw rocks at them during our rock fights. if we weren’t at school, we were at home either fighting via video games or fighting via fighting.
ages 14-20: holy shit we can have experiences. drugs actually make you cool? you mean some drugs aren’t actually dangerous when used in moderation? well fuck moderation. if you’re hanging out with friends primarily at school before going to a house and meticulously stamping out every detail you learned at school that day with video games and weed, you might be in high school. and yes, until you turn 21, you’re still in high school, because ALL YOU NEW FUCKING KIDS IN COLLEGE STILL ACT LIKE KIDS. LIFE DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU.
ages 21-25: WOO! WHAT? I SAID WOO! SORRY, IT’S JUST SO LOUD IN HERE. I KNOW RIGHT, WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING?
at this point in life, your “friends” are just the people who consistently show up when you’re ready to get adult wasted. loud noises. dancing in clubs and bars. going to raves, if you’re into accidentally hitting on underage chicks (looking at you, sean, you fucking freak).
ages 26-39?: all of a sudden, your best friends who survived high school and whatever you did after are married and/or pregnant. you probably are an uncle or godparent, and you still don’t have shit figured out. you start contemplating death like a weird mannequin that seems to move a little closer when you look away but you’re still like “nah, that ain’t real.” hanging out with friends probably comes in the form of coffee shops and low-key bars (“i can’t stand clubs, like all it is is loud music and sweaty douchebags grinding each other.”)
age 40? until you sit in front of a TV 24/7 and shit yourself: “friends” are now those people who live in close enough proximity to you to share activities with. maybe your kids’ friends’ parents are nice enough to tolerate for more than an hour, so you smile at them from time to time. hanging out with friends mostly involves running into each other at the grocery store and talking for 40 minutes, all the while BLOCKING THE BRAND OF BAGELS THAT I LIKE, THIS IS WHAT REALLY FUCKING PISSES ME OFF YOU ASSHOLES GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, THESE AISLES ARE NOT THAT WIDE FOR ALL YOUR FAT ASSES AND CARTS TO BE PARKED SIDE BY SIDE. ALL I WANT IS TO GO DOWN THE AISLE AND GET RIGATONI AND GET THE FUCK OUT ‘CAUSE I HATE ALL OF YOU. I DON’T CARE WHAT BRENDA DID AND GOOD FOR JIM FOR LEAVING ANNETTE BECAUSE SHE WAS JUST SO ICKY, FLIRTING WITH THOSE CHURCH USHERS EVERY SUNDAY. SHUT THE FUCK UP. MOVE. I NEED ALMOND MILK. FUCK.
pete n' tony's internet adventure 