CSI: socal in the winter

[SCENE OPENS. ESTABLISHING SHOT: SOME BEACH, IDK WHEREVER IS EASIEST TO GET TO IN RUSH HOUR]

[DETECTIVE DUDE shreds gnar on a sick wave before riding the tide onto the sand where he steps off and unzips his wetsuit to reveal a smart, professional suit underneath. He sheds the wetsuit with the board and walks a few feet to the crime scene.]

DETECTIVE DUDE: so what have we got here detective?

[DETECTIVE BRO pushes his shoulder-length dreads out of his eyes so he can read his notes]

DETECTIVE BRO: looks like a homicide. this guy was walking his labra-doodle on the beach when some gnarly homeless person probably stabbed him with a needle when he wouldn’t venmo him some change. there’s no way this guy died of the cold, he’s dressed perfectly for socal in the winter.

[SHOW: STYLISH CORPSE. YOUNG WHITE MALE, MID-20’S. CULTURALLY INAPPROPRIATE RASTAFARIAN BEANIE SITS PERFECTLY ON HIS BLOND HAIR. HE WEARS A BILLABONG T-SHIRT COVERED BY A HALF-ZIPPED LIGHT JACKET, RVCA BRAND. HIS JEANS OBVIOUSLY WERE PRE-RIPPED AT PURCHASE, NOT LIKE THOSE GNARLY HOMELESS WHO RIPS THEIR JEANS ACCIDENTALLY BECAUSE THEY ONLY HAVE LIKE, ONE PAIR. HIS FLIP FLOPS ARE HIGH QUALITY TOMMY BAHAMA, NOT RAINBOWS LIKE ALL THOSE OTHER POSERS.]

DETECTIVE BRO: it had to be one of those gnarly homeless guys, only homeless people and minorities commit crimes.

[DETECTIVE DUDE TAKES LIT JOINT OUT OF CORPSE’S MOUTH AND TOKES IT]

DETECTIVE DUDE: but why would a gnarly homeless not rip this grass?

[STYLISH CORPSE WAKES UP FROM NAP]

NAPPING GUY: bro not cool, get your own.

DETECTIVE BRO: nah brah it wasn’t me, it was dude.

DETECTIVE DUDE (HITTING THAT SHIT ONE MORE TIME): it looks like our guy was… (PUTS ON RAY-BAN AVIATORS) sleeping.

[“YEAAAHHH” THEME SONG]