your kid is an asshole, but how much of an asshole? #8 might surprise you!

one of the (only) good things about kids is that they never leave any doubt as to their true form. you will never meet an asshole child who you don’t know is an asshole right away. they will make it apparent and they don’t give two shits that you don’t like them, ’cause they didn’t like you first so there. also you’re a stupid doody-head old person so who cares.

but even if you’re a teacher looking at your student roster for the semester, you can already tell who’s gonna be the problem before you’ve even met them. they always say, ‘don’t judge a book by its cover,’ but why then do books have covers? why do they pay graphic designers thousands of dollars to create eye-catching covers? we were meant to judge books by their covers, fuck you, you self-righteous, holier than thou doody-head.

look no further than these names, for example:

“angel” = my parents elevated me to godhood before i could even walk, so obviously i’m going to be SUPER well-adjusted and not at all have any problem with being told ‘no’ at all throughout my life.

“summer” = my parents named me after the sunny, free season where there’s no school and everyone plays at the beach all day, carefree. i will never know consequences.

“starlett” = i will ONLY raise my hand in class when teacher says something that contradicts my mom. i begin every sentence with, ‘well, my mom said that…’

“cloud” = i will either be a yoga instructor or a katana-owning anime fanatic. there is no in-between. either way, i will interject into adult conversations with seemingly non-sensical fantasies that you will come to realize make perfect sense in my disconnected brain.

whatever happened to just naming kids after biblical shit, or slapping “john” onto your fourth child ’cause goddamn it just feels different with no condom and no one actually expected it to get this far? i mean, i won’t go into the psychology behind naming your kid [your name + ‘jr.’] but even ‘james jr.’ is better than ‘lavender’. also, if you named your child after a game of thrones character, please message me privately. i’ll pay for your vasectomy.