i’m more of a feminist than my GF: toilet seats go both ways actually

before we begin, a disclaimer is in order: i love my girlfriend. she’s a lovely woman whose patience with me is near endless. i don’t say it IS endless, because i located the cliff where her patience drives into the sea like a couple of erotic bank robbers in an old pontiac on the run from 34 police cruisers. apparently, the toilet seat should be bolted to the porcelain bowl? or at least, she shall ne’er see the horrific underbelly of the seat, lest she look into the eyes of satan and be damned. maybe that’s why she shrieked like regan macneil and crab walked down the stairs when i left the seat up that one day.

well when she puts the toilet paper on upside down (new sheet goes over, not under, you barbarians) i don’t mind. but i draw the line at the toilet seat. and yes, it is a matter of equality, stop rolling your eyes and allow me to mansplain the situation.

i pee standing up. my girlfriend pees standing down i think. the toilet seat has hinges so it goes both ways. NO BODY wants pee on the toilet seat, i think we can all agree (unless my readers all happen to be frequent gas station bathroom users, i think that might be a “thing” for some people). so why’s it that the changing of the seat orientation rests solely on my shoulders? CHIVALRY? oh i’m sorry, i thought we were shooting for EQUALITY, not fostering low-key dependence on males via small niceties and pandering gestures. SO NOW I’M THE BAD GUY ’cause i care about my GFs equality and she has to touch the seat. well ya think i like touching the seat either?

and don’t give me that “well if you divide up the percentage of use between the two people in a relationship, the majority of the usage is done seat down” bullshit. the usage has nothing to do with it if i’m doing 100% of the seat orientation reconfiguration. and if you’re saying to yourself, “wow, it’s such a small thing to do for someone else, you must be an asshole,” then yeah i agree — it is a small thing to do so why am i being sprayed with a spray bottle right now like a dog who pissed on your rose bush? i also agree with the “asshole” assessment, but if that’s your bar for “asshole” then welcome to the blog, you’re gonna love it.