it’s a beautiful day here in sunny los angeles, and we’ve got delegates from all the usual self-promoters: the cross-fitters, the vegan community, and the military veterans. but wait, we’ve got a new group represented in this year’s self-fellating olympics: the ex-facebookers! tim, i’m really proud to see this new self-absorbed, conversation monopolizing group qualify for the Nobody Asked-athon this year.
that’s right chad. while the ex-facebookers have always been a self-congratulatory bunch, their numbers have finally reached that sweet spot where they can circlejerk each other with relative ease and frequency. and lucky for them, facebook is still popular enough that not using it can be considered having a personality.
thanks for that analysis, tim. let’s go down to the field where it looks like our social settings are just about set. we have several groups of four people engaged in polite, adult conversation. none of our participants have ever been in the military, used facebook, gone vegan, or done crossfit, just to make sure that their personalities are unique and entirely their own. we’ll be releasing the contestants in just a minute, and judges will be looking for the following: how long does it take them to insert their singular personality trait into the conversation? and how long can they keep the conversation centered on themselves? of course, they lose points if the conversation is able to return to a normal, inclusive topic, but can gain points back if they make condescending remarks towards people asking genuine questions, or are able to refocus the conversations on themselves.
and we’re off, chad, the conversations are in full swing and our normal participants are enjoying polite conversation. release the contestants!
oh, looks like the ex-facebooker is the first to insert their agenda into a conversation! our crossfit, veteran, and vegan contestants are still fidgeting impatiently in the social circles.
well chad, we should’ve expected the ex-facebookers to make a strong start. most conversation nowadays involves describing a meme or video you saw on social media to your friends.
that’s right, tim. now we see our vegan contestant reprimanding someone who was talking about BBQ, he’ll get massive points for that! but uh oh, looks like the group isn’t taking to him so well, he might have to find another group conversation to bomb! in another social circle, it looks like our crossfit contestant gave up on politeness and simply stated “i do crossfit” to the group unprompted.
that’s gotta be awkward, chad, that group was talking about the unusually cold winter season we’ve been having. i can’t imagine the crossfitter will last long in that social circle, but she’s still certainly trying!
uh oh, look out, tim! our veteran is coming in hot! he found a group discussing the merits of civil disobedience, and it looks as though the vet knows all about it, seeing as they served as a vehicle mechanic in remote texas for three years.
that’s right, chad. as we’ve seen in the past 10 contests, it’s especially hard to tell a veteran to shut the fuck up because they truly believe that you owe them everything, including your very life. we’re seeing that again this year, as everyone in that circle is clearly uncomfortable and recognizes that this man has 0 authority or knowledge about the topic!
unfortunately tim, to interrupt a veteran makes you a socialist, communist, satanist, AND unpatriotic! everyone knows that. the veterans with a strong showing once again.
as our time draws to a close, we’re seeing the ex-facebooker has turned the conversation towards privacy violations and mark zuckerberg’s tax evasion! what an ingenius strategy!
that’s right tim, it’s hard to deny that facebook is a piece of shit asshole. we’re seeing a lot of participants having a hard time refuting the ex-facebooker’s claims, even though you can tell they’d much rather be talking about memes again!
uh oh! it looks like this year’s delgate from the veteran group SERVED IN IRAQ! THAT’S THE FINISHING MOVE, IT’S OVER! FOR THE ELEVENTH YEAR IN A ROW, THE VETERANS ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF SELF-FELLATIO! IT’S OVER!
wow, tim, we knew the veterans would be bringing their A game, but we had no idea that this year’s contestant was deployed for three months to a foreign country. that makes them the foremost authority on every subject possible in polite conversation, and the fact that you can’t disagree with a fragile veteran means that is CHECKMATE.
congratulations to all our contestants. you’re all losers in our books, but it looks like the veterans are the most annoying, insufferable pieces of shit to have to be around for the eleventh year in a row. thank you for watching the 14th annual Nobody Asked-athon. let’s go enjoy some fucking peace and quiet for five minutes, chad.
pete n' tony's internet adventure 