rampant inflation, the economy in shambles: how do i un-tip my barber?

i’m a generous tipper. it’s something i pride myself on, giving my money away. i don’t know how that became part of my personality, but it did, just how i act like a cornered, wounded animal when someone points out a minor flaw of mine. it’s fundamentally peter.

now my barber is an S-tier motherfucker so don’t get me wrong, but i came into this relationship way too hot. i wanted to make a good impression on my first couple visits. barbershops are kind of triggering for me because they’re equal parts macho and catty and i can’t navigate those confusing, conflicting currents.

i may have tipped way too high the first few times i went in, which is basically my way of trying to buy affection like a lonely guy in a strip club. but i always forget that the initial tip on recurring transactions sets the bar for the rest of the relationship so yes, i’m pretty sure my barber likes me, but he also could be faking it like a goddamn stripper. i can’t even tell anymore.

and then of course there have been a couple times throughout the years where emergency haircuts have been necessary, and this S-tier barber fit me in his schedule at the last second so of course i tipped him even better and now dear god i’m gonna have to volunteer for experiments involving radiation so i can stop needing haircuts every two weeks. i’m literally taking on more hours at work so i can afford my extravagent tipping lifestyle.

at this point, i have a few options:

#1. fake my own death, find a new barber. start with small tips, go from there.

#2. move out of state, find a new job and girlfriend, abandon my family, find a new barber. start with small tips, go from there.

#3. stop getting haircuts, grow out my hair like a wizard and recapture my virginity.

#4. slowly but surely work my way into influential circles in LA and try to meet whoever People magazine’s sexiest male actors is this year, probably jake gyllenhall let’s be real. play it cool at first but make a good impression and leave jake interested in hanging out more sometime, then build a relationship and cement his trust in my tastes by taking him to contemporary art museums and thom yorke concerts, the whole time only drinking the most expensive wine and not ordering based on price when we go out to eat. then, once i’ve built a solid foundation i mention in passing that his jawline and facial structure could really support a buzz cut, not something that a lot of guys can pull off. never mention it again. wait for the seed to sprout and jake will eventually buzz off his hair and the media will be all over it, and just in time for the oscars too. buzz cuts become all the rage for the ’20s. i tell my barber, damn bro tough luck i’m sorry but you know me, on the cutting edge and all. i block his number and move out of state, abandon my family. find a new barber for buzz cuts, start with small tips, go from there.