thank you for your interest in our open position in the disney scriptwriting department. as you can imagine, a multi-billion dollar conglomerate creating content for what is arguably humanity’s most iconic and ubiquitous sci-fi franchise is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and as such, we take our selection process very seriously. we thank you for your application and ask that you complete the following brief exam to assess your competency as a writer and creative thinker.
you may turn the page and begin your exam now.
- our heroes narrowly escape capture by the empire/first order/GOP and land on a never-before-seen, impoverished desert planet, where locals toil away in mines for the profit of the villainous faction. the enemy ships are mere minutes behind, and our heroes must make haste. what does our protagonist say that can provide clarity of the situation for the audience and move the plot foward?
a. “we should head toward those mountains, surely we can find a cave to hide in there.”
b. “that was close, i can’t believe we made it! but it looks like we’re not out of it yet, c’mon!”
c. “this used to be a beautiful place. fields of green as far as the eye could see. the locals were happy, providing for their families in a non-capitalist society. i know, i’ve been here before on some business that wasn’t important. but what is important, is that the [bad guys] have destroyed what was once a beautiful world.”
C is the correct answer. it is important from a world-building perspective to describe the damage that [bad guys] have done to the galaxy. it is not simply that they are bad because they murdered four people in the last episode, or blew up a planet in one of those movies. we must be able to show that there are other bad things they do besides genocide, otherwise our audience may feel confused.
2. one of our heroes has been captured and taken deep into the heart of a secret [bad guy] fortress, far removed from hope of escape. they’ve been tortured for an undefined amount of time, but have remained strong thus far. unfortunately, [bad guys] have nothing but time to figure out ways of making our hero break. our scene opens at the tail end of yet another torture session. our hero crumples to the corner of a bare cell after the villain beats them down. the villain confidently threatens our hero, who has endured indescribable torment and humiliation thus far. how does our hero respond to the villain’s threats?
a. “okay, okay. god, please stop, i can’t take it anymore. i can’t take this anymore, i’ll tell you what you want to know if you just… stop. please.”
b. “is that the best you got? my friends are on their way here as we speak to rescue me in 22 minutes. you’ve lost.”
c. “we’re gonna be here a long time if that’s really the best you can do.” (stands defiantly)
C is the correct answer. A is incorrect because a hero would never give up valuable information if it meant it might hurt their friends. friendship is stronger than any psychological abuse, torture, pain, drugs, or force powers. B is also incorrect because there’s no way the captured hero would know they were about to be rescued, ya dummy.
3. our hero has been ambushed! the bad guy set a trap that hero’s unfailing moral code drove them into. now, the bad guy has the upper hand and it seems all is lost. our hero has been defeated in a lightsaber duel and is disarmed, on the cusp of death. suddenly, hero’s friend arrives and turns the tides, creating a minor distraction in order to start slowly, slowly pulling our unconscious hero away from the fight. how should our villain react to this development?
a. our villain taps into their vast array of established force abilities, throwing aside the hero’s friend and continuing the fight.
b. our villain calls upon the support of his seemingly endless evil resources, summoning a battalion of soldiers to capture both the hero and his friend and take them secret [bad guy] fortress.
c. the villain understands that this minor kerfuffle has perplexed them entirely, and forgets that they have a vast array of established force abilities that can remedy this minor inconvenience. they fume silently for a moment before turning away to do something else of assumed equal importance, allowing our hero to be dragged slowly away to safety, where the hero can recover and ultimately best them.
C is the correct answer. what are you gonna do, end the story already, stupid? remember the first rule of writing at disney: “it is always, without fail, better to lobotomize established characters for the sake of our hero’s success, than to have real consequences for our hero.” audiences do not like consequences. consequences are scary and off-putting, and must be avoided entirely.
EXTRA CREDIT:
if any test-taker asks why the answer is always C, it is safe to assume that they do not understand the basic writing principle of rule of three. please award them one point of extra credit for not understanding this elementary humorous convention. here at disney, we know that real humor comes from robots falling down, quippy one-liners from our heroes, and aliens farting. our audience does not have time to process wordplay and therefore, neither do our writers.
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