it takes a lot of consistent effort on my part to look like a decent human being. as many people throughout my life have observed (and generously shared with me unbidden), i look like a lumberjack returning from a two-year nature retreat, furious to learn that other humans continue to exist.
or, as other less imaginative people have put it, severe resting bitch face.
and thus, it is my curse to shave, trim, wash, cut, brush, and tweeze every hair on my massive head in an unending attempt to look even the slightest bit more inviting to other people who, despite my strongest wishes, must be interacted with daily. what was the greek myth about the guy cursed by the gods to push a massive boulder up a hill every day, only for it to roll down and have to start over? he probably had frown lines like mine.
anyway, this is how i learned that apparently every hygiene product on the market nowadays is required by federal law to have some inane scent attached to its probably slightly toxic residue. and now when i step out of the house, i have no less than 10 conflicting scents on my person, all competing for first strike to any olefactory senses unfortunate enough to come within 30 feet of me.
actually, i’m gonna make a list now because i was exaggerating before when i said 10 but now i’m really wondering what sort of numbers we’re looking at. over/under 6.5, place your bets now folks.
THE SHOWER:
1. head & shoulders: green apple scent
2. biore face wash: charcoal
3. irish spring soap: potatoes
THE SHAVING:
4. gilette shaving cream: generic man smell
5. armani aftershave: expensive generic man smell
6. beard oil: some type of wood smell, sandalwood or cinderblock or something
THE REST OF IT:
7. suavecito pomade: to be perfectly honest this hair product has a really strong smell and i can’t even tell you what it’s supposed to be, like this is probably the most aggressive smell i put on myself willingly and i don’t think it even has an official scent
8. old spice deoderant: “pure sport” no i am not kidding. it does not smell at all like what i know sports to smell like, which is 95% unwashed sweat-embedded equipment, 3% blood, and 2% chewing tobacco. this smells more like… generic man smell.
and there you have it folks, every singularly pleasant smell that i adhere to my body in a desperate attempt to obscure the fact that i do, in fact, sweat in the summer. if we ever come across each other in public, please don’t ask me why i look angry. i’m trying really hard to come across as friendly, but there’s only so many smells i can take.
pete n' tony's internet adventure 