like the yearly school shooter drill, dreaming of becoming a rockstar is an american rite of passage. “thank you cleveland, you certainly don’t suck,” you say to thousands of screaming bouncing fans in your head. you then take a 20-minute break from imagining before coming back out to your daydream audience for an encore. what a show!
certainly the lifestyle is part of the draw as well. most people who’ve ever attempted plucking ‘smoke on the water’ on a $4,300 vintage amp in guitar center have also imagined what the after-parties must be like backstage. hundreds of fans in every city, waiting for hours simply for a glimpse of your face and awkward hat. your pick of the hottest women at every show. be real, the stuff you’ve imagined going on backstage might be too far even for brazzers. you’re suave, handle your coke well, and definitely don’t cum in three minutes. not even in real life, you say? thank you for writing in to clarify.
but apparently, the real life rock star is socially awkward to the point of being dangerous. for way too many artists, the motto seems to be “less consent, more cum.” thankfully, these pieces of shit are being brought to light by victims who are no longer socially shamed en masse to the point of silence. unfortunately, it turns out–there’s a lot of fucking creeps in the music industry. you’d think with all the fans and notoriety that comes with being a rockstar, you could also afford a single guy to check IDs at the door, or photocopy some surveys for distribution:
I AM [ ]
I AM NOT [ ]
interested in sex with that cringey guitar player.
don’t get me wrong though, i’m not putting the onus on the fans. it doesn’t seem so difficult to idk… NOT be a sexual creep? but apparently something about strapping on a guitar and having a microphone that can drown out conversations in the employee bathroom goes straight to a guy’s head. you choose which head i’m talking about, this is a surprise “choose your own adventure” post.
anyway, here’s peter’s tragically on-going list of artists who can no longer be supported thanks to their inability to comprehend the word “no.”
- arcade fire
- red hot chili peppers
- david bowie
- led zeppelin
- r. kelly
- the orwells
- real estate
- bob dylan
- crystal castles
- nelly
- elvis presley
- as i lay dying
- ryan adams
- daughters
- michael jackson
- Tekashi 6ix9ine (went ahead and ctrl-c ctrl-v-ed that one and used all the time i saved to write this note)
- pierce the veil
jesus christ there are so many that i can’t even find an article with all of them combined. i’m sure that’s not even the start of the list but i need to take a mental health break (and also run to target for bread, this post brought to you by target coincidentally.) feel free to write in with your most-hated perverted musician and i’ll add them to the list. i wish i didn’t have to, but until these coked-up neanderthals start minding their hands, here we are.
pete n' tony's internet adventure 