8/18/2023 7:20 PM
Early this morning, Warner Brothers held a press conference to announce Chris Pratt’s next role, and it might come to a surprise to you. Contrary to any objections you have, Chris Pratt will give the opening eulogy at your funeral. Now we know what you’re thinking, “I have never met this man in my life. There’s no way this is happening.” We raised these concerns to Warner Brothers, who had this to say: “Shut up. Shut the fuck up. You don’t know what you want. You fucking idiot. He’s testing so well right now. You’ll see. It’s going to be the best performance he’s ever given. People hated Robert Oppenheimer too and now look at him.”
When we reached out to your mom for a comment, all she said was that you’re adopted and you never make your bed.
It’s hard to argue Pratt’s appeal. The Mario movie has the highest box office earnings of any film about an Italian man, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is his father-in-law. We also heard that he sits in chairs backwards but our correspondent we sent to confirm this converted to Christianity after taking one look at him in person.
As this is still a developing story, we will keep you updated as new information rolls out, but it doesn’t seem like there’s anything you can do about it. So you know… Make the most of your life for as long as possible because when your time is up a guy who Hollywood really wants you to like is gonna say some generic bullshit about how you’re in a better place and everyone else shouldn’t take things for granted. Also you can’t afford healthcare.
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