the government must intervene to preserve public trust (or, “the curious case of peter’s failed perception checks”)

generally speaking, i do not consider myself a smart man. i’ve merely figured out ways to sound convincing enough through my years. it’s pretty easy actually; just memorize some ten-dollar words and phrases, look up when to properly use a semi-colon, and all of a sudden people will start asking you for your opinions on boring shit like contemporary art and international politics.

unfortunately, when faced with hollywood prosthetics and trickery, my facade of intelligence falls apart faster than that kid’s sand castle my drunk uncle mike pissed on.

it all started in high school with a box-office comedy smash, “Tropic Thunder”. picture if you will, me at 17: a 6′ 3″ acne-ridden caveboy who was insecure about everything save for the knowledge that shaggy, uncut hair was indeed a way to hide myself from the world. then put that walking tribute to anti-social disorder into a movie theater with four other teenage boys who may or may not have hated me (it’s high school, who can ever really be sure?)

so imagine my shame when the credits roll and i saw tom cruise’s name listed. “tom cruise?” i said, idiotically. “where was tom cruise in this movie?”

“he was the movie executive, you mouth-breathing inbred fucking shithead,” responded my best friends.

“oh, ha ha,” i replied, sweeping my hair in front of my eyes and disappearing into the crusty movie theater chair.

and thus my paralyzing fear of hollywood prosthetics and makeup was born. and sadly, to this day, i cannot tell the difference between a wig and someone’s real hair unless it is literally falling off. what might have been a one-time mistake was quickly confirmed as diagnosed blindness whereupon seeing “The Dark Knight,” i was unable to recognize heath ledger until about the two-hour mark. i was eagerly awaiting his arrival up to that point, having heard about his masterful performance beforehand.

since then, a number of actors have reignited the burning shame of my facial blindness: tilda swinton (pictured above) as lutz something-or-other in the 2018 “Suspiria” remake. more recently, mia goth as maxine and pearl in the 2022 slasher, “X”. and, most shamefully, adam sandler in the 2011 disasterpiece, “Jack and Jill”.

and thus, i am proposing a new bill for consideration by congress: the American Patriot’s Transparency in Film for Those With Facial Blindness Act.

this bill requires filmmakers to:

• publicly disclose all actors and their roles no less than two months prior to the film/show release date.
• add opening credits to their movie/episode disclosing all actors and their roles in a legible sans-serif font that takes up no less than 80% of the screen.
• include an introductory scene no less than three minutes long of any actors wearing prosthetics being physically put into said makeup and practical effects by the hair and makeup department.

the American Patriot’s Transparency in Film for Those With Facial Blindness Act makes it a felony if filmmakers fail to meet the three generous requirements listed above. penalties include no less than two years in federal prison and peter receiving 25% residuals for the offending movie/TV series.

it’s really the least they can do for all i’ve been through.