march madness makeover: interesting rule changes for an uninteresting sport

we can all stop pretending like we find basketball interesting, it’s OK. march madness? only if i’m being driven to madness by boredom and having to listen to my coworkers talk about the upset by Longwood State against Big Ol’ Texas or whatever these stupid separatists call their schools beyond the civilized boundaries of california.

but since it seems that basketball is here to stay, why not at least try to make it more interesting? today, i’ve compiled some suggestions for rule changes the NBA and NCAA can implement to amp up the entertainment value of their sport. idk if they’re called NCAA, but you know who i mean, the organization of adults who’ve dedicated their lives to making money off of the hopes and sweat of young college kids, whatever acronym they use. let’s move on.

#1. all basketball games will start with a score of 75-75.

“uhh, that’s exactly like starting at 0-0,” you manage to say after choking on your own saliva. no, it’s not. on average, 93% of basketball games are tied at some point in the 2nd half.¹ starting the game tied at 75-75 simulates the “progress” and “entertainment” of the 1st half of basketball games without forcing the audience to sit through the mind-numbing back and forth shit that don’t matter. speaking of…

#2. teams will get an extra point awarded at the start of the game for every celebrity they have in the audience.

apparently this is a thing that people care about. basketball is known for being a celebrity-favorite pastime, and people love to talk about “who was at the laker game last night,” as if it had any bearing on the game’s excitement. so i thought, why not make it actually matter? if jack nickelson or cindy sweeney or whatever gen z kid from euphoria shows up to the game, the home team will be awarded one point for each before tip-off. fair? no, of course not. but if people continue to inexplicably care about celebrities liking sports, let’s at least make it count for something. plus, let’s not pretend that american pro sports leagues care about small market teams, OK? get your own celebrities, minnesota.

#3. basketball games will now be two minutes long.

don’t worry! the last two minutes of a basketball game usually take about 45 real life minutes. people will still feel satisfied that they got their money’s worth (especially when they see the final score of 82-81, wow what a close game! lucky jay z decided to bring p diddy tonight for that extra point!) the coaches are still well-equipped to manage the game clock with their 14 time outs apiece, and players can still foul to stop the clock to their heart’s content with pretty much zero consequences. if you tune in late, i promise that you will not miss anything. you could probably just turn on the game for the last 1.3 seconds and not miss anything important.

#4. there will be a sticker hidden on the court that is worth 50 points if a player finds it.

the sticker will be the size of a dime and only a little darker than the surface of the court. it will be placed by the referee before they game and before they let the teams and fans in so nobody can cheat. any player that sees the sticker must also be able to remove it with their nail—they can’t just point at the sticker, that would be stupid. the player who is able to remove the sticker and give it to the ref will earn their team 50 points and effectively end the game. who doesn’t love a coup de grace in a sporting event that can end the game in a matter of seconds? especially when players only would’ve used all that extra time to foul each other anyway.

#5. tied games will not go to overtime.

y’all can go home, just call it a wash.

^{1. i can’t believe you scrolled down here as if i use sources on this blog.}