In a shocking turn of events, it was discovered this morning that the thing you’ve been procrastinating hasn’t gone away. While this is certainly unprecedented, more than one of our people on the scene have confirmed this to be the case.
In an effort to understand how this could be possible we reached out to Dr. Franklin Lindholm, a theoretical physicist whose work has revolutionized his field. “No fuckin way. You’re full of shit. Suck my cock you goddamn liar show me some proof.” An uncharacteristically animated response from a notoriously stoic man. However after we showed him how we were able to prove this findings, he was even more shaken. “Oh my God. This can’t be. You don’t understand, this invalidates all of my work from the past 7 years. This will ruin me. You can’t publish this article PLEASE I BEG YOU”.
It was at this point that he pulled out a gun. His eyes went black. Sweat appeared on his forehead and he shook uncontrollably.
“I don’t want to do this” he said, “But I have no choice. I’ll be a laughing stock.
“No one has to publish anything” My editor Paolo DiVincezo said ” And no one has to get hurt. Just please put the gun down and we can talk about this.”
Paolo had been my editor for well over a decade. We had been so many placed together and reported on so many things, but this was different. An event we never could have thought possible, and now we were looking down the barrel of a gun held by one of the leading thinkers in our country. It couldn’t end like this.
I racked my brain trying to think of how I could take the gun from Dr. Lindholm but as I tried to come up with a plan fate seemed to intervene. There was a golf ball on the floor that the doctor had dropped a few days prior but kept putting off dealing with. As he approached us he slipped on it and Paolo pounced on him before I was able to react. They began wrestling for control of the gun when a shot rang out. Silence filled the room as we tried to determine who has struck by the bullet. Paolo had been hit.
This man had saved my life so many times and I had returned the favor just as many but now I was powerless to help him. I ran to his side and just as I got to him a security guard kicked in the door and detained Dr. Lindholm. “PAOLO NO! PLEASE LOOK AT ME PAOLO. THIS IS GOIGN TO BE FINE YOU’RE ALRIGHT”, I cried. His laughed weakly. “I had been meaning to get a gun but… I kept putting it off. Looks like the only thing going away… is me….”
“That couldn’t have sounded as good as it did in your head”
“No it didnt”
And he was gone. This article is in memory of Paolo DiVincezo. The best editor I ever had. I’ve been meaning to tell his family about what happened but I’m sure if I wait long enough someone else will deal with it.
pete n' tony's internet adventure 