just fucking do it already you nerds. move the hand to midnight so we can get this over with. or are you gonna wait until after the missiles are launched and speedrun the last 89 seconds in a day?
it’s almost as if the clock is meaningless grandstanding that benefits from the same hindsight as everyone else.
who would’ve guessed that climate change influencing extreme weather patterns that humanity can’t prepare for because we’ve never seen it in our lifetimes would be bad? not me. it sounded like a good thing to me when i heard it, i must admit.
oh, having a party in power that’s powerwashing the cocks of two brothers named “shareholder profit” and “the book of revelations” while picking fights with every country around the world is also a bad thing for our species? well, look at me with egg on my face. thanks, bulletin of atomic fucking dorks, for setting the record straight.
if the bulletin of atomic doorknobs actually wanted my respect, they’d take a page out of the marshall applewhite playbook and predict something. “that new drilling site that the government wants to approve? that’s where the giant worms live that will hunt humanity into extinction, baby. if we drill there, we’ll wake them up. 15 seconds to midnight.”
and yeah, maybe move the hand up by 30 or 40 seconds at once, you fucking cowards. i know you’re trying to drag this storyline out harder than eiichiro oda, and no one takes you seriously when you go one second at a time every few years. give humanity some credit, we’re moving our extinction along a lot more efficiently than that.
in conclusion, the only people who think the doomsday clock is cool are 15 year-olds who write hackneyed songs on their guitars about “revolution” and politics they barely understand with the confidence of michael phelps visiting the community pool. which is probably why the smashing pumpkins released a song about the doomsday clock in the ’00s. if billy corgan is your spokesperson, you need to take a long look in the mirror.
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