buckle the fuck up: this family car ride is about to get weird because you forgot about the orgasm in “Welcome to the Jungle”

it’s an easy mistake to make: you have to drive somewhere with your parents and you know better than to not put on music before you leave, because moments of silence in a car ride introduce more panic into a parent’s brain than blowing an aztec death whistle in the nursery of a hospital maternity wing. your parents are no longer responsible for what they do or say if you allow this to happen.

so you search ‘boomer rock’ on spotify because you don’t think your folks could appreciate the creative and experimental sonic textures contained in your lovingly curated 95-minute harsh noise playlist and you throw on the first mix that pops up.

thing is, horny old men are sneaky.

when you hear the sparse, crushed drum beat of nine inch nails’ “closer,” you immediately hit next. that song never tries to downplay or hide what was on trent reznor’s mind when he wrote it. but it’s all too easy to not notice the well-worn tread of led zeppelin’s “whole lotta love” starting up, or the delay-heavy, distorted riff of guns n’ roses’ “welcome to the jungle.”

and after the six second mark of a song, it becomes difficult to explain why you’re skipping it. after eighteen seconds, you better have a solid lie ready. after thirty-two seconds, it’s practically impossible without them knowing your motivation beyond a doubt, because yes, they know and they’re thinking about the exact same eventuality that you are.

axl rose’s orgasm doesn’t start until 1m 48s. robert plant’s orgasm doesn’t even start until past the two minute mark.

statistically speaking, you’re actually far worse off if “whole lotta love” comes on, because plant’s orgasm clocks in at 17.5 seconds and he moans 24 times for an average of 1.37 moans per second (MPS). that 17 seconds will feel like an eternity.

that being said, what axl rose’s orgasm lacks in length (7.3s with seven moans for a MPS of 0.96) it makes up for with intensity. rose’s orgasm is much higher, more powerful, and continually moving upward in pitch. i like to think that the producer on appetite for destruction spent at least three days with axl in the studio getting the cum sounds just right.

plant’s orgasm sort of peters out halfway through, like maybe he came too early and/or lost his erection and is trying to pretend he’s still mentally in it. so while it is much longer (those 17 seconds will be the longest of your life, unless you have the unfortunate luck of being waterboarded and even then, maybe not), you can at least try to pretend like maybe they aren’t cum noises or talk over his thrusts.

if you find yourself in this situation, the key thing is to STAY CALM. the earlier you can recognize the impending cum, the better prepared you can be for it. the best thing to do is skip the song immediately when it comes on, but if you cannot do that, just breathe.

it is important to have conversation topics prepared for awkward situations. as your parents also become aware of the impending cum, they will become nervous and forget how to maintain a conversation. if you do not take the initiative to speak, they will sit in silence as axl rose makes passionate love to your entire family. that is why it is crucial that you stay calm and time your cover-up question/statement to your parents perfectly.

DO NOT:

• immediately turn down the volume when you realize what’s coming. subtly use the volume controls on your steering wheel to turn down the song one notch at a time over the course of 30-45 seconds. do not make the song inaudible. they will know.
• become distracted by the cum. your parents will hear the awkward rhythm of your speech and they will know you know they know. you must execute your cover-up perfectly.
• apologize or otherwise address the cum. it is extremely important that you never openly discuss this.
• sing along with the orgasms. i feel like this goes without saying, but there are some sick fucks who read this blog and it’s probably better to get ahead of it.

no matter what happens, you will get through this. you are not defined by your mistakes. your parents still love you (maybe, idk your family dynamic) and while you may cease to be their favorite child, the best healing salve is time. god willing, this is the last time you and your parents will ever think about sex at the same time. or not, again, idk your family dynamic.