…is keeping your stories straight. it’s a vicious cycle and it’s gotten harder to keep up. where was i on tuesday night? who did i see on thurdsay? i’ve been to the same carl’s jr. three times this week. she’s started to recognize me, so i have to drive to the farther carl’s jr. up the hill… they don’t know me yet. i found another jack in the box near work that i can switch off with the J in the B by my house. there are two del tacos within a reasonable distance, i keep those on rotation.

but god i can’t keep it all straight. which taco bell did i go to last night? does that same guy remember me ’cause i’m the only fuckhead in the county who orders two steak crunchwraps and nothing else? and there’s only one little casesar’s close by, so god only knows how many times a week it’s acceptable to go there and pretend to order for a small family on a budget when in reality they know i go home, grab the ranch bucket from the fridge, and eat it all in a single sitting.

i can’t keep it all straight. i’d buy a planner but planning is for architects and engaged women who can’t decide between finally having their dream wedding and actually being married to the insufferable asshole who proposed to them. but goddam one of these days when i pull up to that carl’s drive thru window there’s gonna be a priest there and it’s gonna be a surprise intervention the cashiers threw together ’cause they’re honestly worried about me.

ACT I:

mom ice: look at our son. always so close to teh edge of the container. he’s in a dangerous place right now.

dad ice: i know honey, but what can we do? we’re locked in place here. we just have to hope that he finds his way to the dispenser.

mom ice: (sighs) you’re right, cube sr. he has so much potential, such a perfect ice cube. not too tough to hurt your teeth, but not so weak that he’d melt quickly in a beverage. he doesn’t have to settle for a mr. pibb. he could be in a whiskey tumbler, or a CEO’s hydroflask.

dad ice: you know it and i know it, cube mom. i just hope… god knows it.

me: (opens freezer)

cube jr: (falls on floor)

me: goddammit (kicks cube jr. under fridge)

FIN

DID YOU KNOW?

oscar winning actor liam neeson has it written in every contract that, before beginning filming, he shall flip a coin. if it’s heads, he’ll deliver a commanding performance that critics and audiences alike will applaud. if it’s tails, he will attempt to be a tall wooden board. his contract also states that the flip is non-negotiable, and is explicit in its verbiage that directors can not call takesies backsies.
neeson has not commented on his contract, but his commitment to the coin’s result is legend in hollywood. phantom menace director george lucas was the vitcim of a “tails”, and pleaded with liam to change his mind. the british actor reportedly tried to use the force on lucas in retaliation before swinging his prop lightsaber through the halls of the lucasfilm offices, making loud lightsaber noises with his mouth as he slashed coffees out of hands and scripts off printers. lucas was forced to write qui-gon jin’s death into the script.

…spreading LIES and BUILLSHIT to mislead hard-working americans like you and i. it’s fucked up, it’s wrong, and i’m here to set the record straight. we demand excellence from our leaders. of course by now you have figured out that i’m talking about the LIES and SLANDER of snopes.com. they’re actually claiming that refrigerating your batteries doesn’t make them last longer. this is CLEARLY a set up by our fascist government to misinform people and pull us apart at the seams. if we can’t refrigerate our batteries, what can we do? the US department of snopes has officially lost all credibility in my eyes. spread the twitter hashtag ‘who fact checks the fact checkers?’ and let’s get this trending. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

good evening, i’m peter. tonight on sixy minutes, we’re taking a look into the shocking world of upside down instagram profile pictures. why is it done? and what are the horrifying implications, should the trend continue?

well shit man, it’s done ’cause they don’t think they look good right side up so’s they flip themselves upside down and maybe they look better i guess. OR it’s some weird power trip HEAD FUCK and they’re like, getting off knowing that a bunch of dudes around the world are flipping their phones upside down just to check them out?

idk i tried reaching out to a few of these women for a sixty minute exclusive interview and i got blocked twice, reported once, and the other one sent a bit.ly link that gave me AIDS just by reading it. i assume it was for one simple trick that makes you ejaculate farther and doctors hate him?

next week on sixty minutes: no one is real on facebook except for you.

this dude like one of the best modern actors and ain’t nobody said shit about it, so i’m here to set the record straight (then gay for one film, then straight again *rimshot*). jake gyllenhall, or as he’s more commonly known, THE HALL has been in every good movie released since 1999. he single-handedly beat russia in OCTOBER SKY with his missile,  making him the actual first hero in the MCU (not that dumbass goateed tony stark). then he played rabbit-loving teen donald darko in the movie of the same name.

and then this dude throws us the only good disaster movie ever (besides twister, i know, shut up) called THE DAY AFTER THE DAY OF TOMORROW and we’re like ‘we’re not worthy’ and jake says, ‘i know, it’s OK.’ then he gives us brokeback mountain which i was like ‘huh i thought this was about that dude who got his arm caught in a rock?’ but i figured it could happen at any time so i waited.

so then THE HALL says to himself, ‘hm, i’ve done disaster films, i’ve done psychological time travel movies, i’ve done dudes, what else haven’t i done?’ so he stars in a movie about men with learning disabilities called JARHEAD, and then is like ‘oh that wasn’t good enough? how about FUCKIN’ BAM,’ crime thriller. ZODIAC. and then some kid is like, ‘hall i know i’m not worthy but i haven’t seen you do a film about a video game’ and he was like well i’ll do this one movie JUST FOR YOU and made PRINCE OF PERSIA, which a lot of people didn’t like but he didn’t fucking make it for you, shut up.

then everyone decided THE HALL was too damn likeable so he became a psychopath and starred in NIGHTCRAWLER, which is the best film about people who film car accidents ever. if that wasn’t disturbing enough, in THE HALL’s next role he plays jared leto playing an evil CEO in BLADE RUNNER 2049. now he’s supposed to be the bad guy in the new spider-man movie, and i must say, it’ll be hard to beat willem dafoe’s green goblin, but if anyone can do it, it’s the hall.

i don’t really get the appeal of the oscars. it’s a giant hollywood circle jerk where they virtue signal and talk about disasters in third world countries while wearing 20,000 dollar dresses. it seems like a sick joke that the aliens who developed our world slipped into the programming, but then the masses were like “oh SHIT BREAD AND CIRCUSES?” and now it’s televised in like a six hour time slot. WHOOPS.

so i’m starting my own awards show to eventually topple the oscars and win the affection of resident hollywood hunk paul rudd. it’s called the Peteys, and the statues are two hands doing approving finger guns. so without further a due, here are the categories for the FIRST ANNUAL PETEYS.

– BEST ONE-LINER
– BEST ON-SET LEAKED PHOTO
– PAUL RUDD (this is the part of the show where we give paul a petey, it’ll entice him to show up every year)
– BEST ANTAGONIST (willem dafoe as green goblin is always a strong front runner)
– BEST TWIST ENDING (also called the shamaylan award)
– BEST TRAILER (any trailer where the sound creshendoes before cutting out completely and a character says a witty line is automatically disqualified)
– MOST PLOT-HOLES/MOST NONSENSICAL PLOT (the last jedi is rumored to have this one in the bag, as there were no harry potter films released this year. was the last jedi released this year? who cares, fuck that movie.)

if i still give a shit in a week, i’ll update with winners. spoiler: (i won’t)

if you’re unfamiliar with haikus, they’re an ancient japanese spell that causes anyone within hearing distance to immediately start counting on their fingers. nowadays, white people write haikus to appear more culturally diverse to others via the wonders of mild cultural appropriation. so without further a due, here is a white person writing haikus.

#1
i wish i could fly
i would levitate real low
my feet wouldn’t hurt

#2
what if when you shit
your butt was never dirty
no buying t.p.

#3
use your turn signals
you stupid fucking asshole
i almost hit you

#4
there isn’t much time
i can explain on the way
my penis is stuck

#5
some procreation
needs to be made illegal
for stupid people

#6
sometimes i wonder
what gary busey has done
in the quiet nights

why are none of these supposedly SUPERHUMANS using their powers for the real issue? standing for a long time and then your feet start hurting. if i could FLY, i’d be levitating ALL the time.

’cause once people know you have powers then they’re like, “oh go rescue my cat in that tree, help rescue that dumbass in that burning building, CAN YOU REACH THAT THING ON THE TOP SHELF” like GOD–i don’t have time for your shit homie.

i’d just levitate an inch off the ground. shoes would last forever. legs would never get tired. and no one would ever notice, so FUCK Y’ALL i ain’t gettin’ that cereal off the top shelf for you.

…that had a license plate holder that said, “follow me to coachella.” so OBVIOUSLY i followed them, as requested. i didn’t even know coachella was going on right now, so I was super stoked.

and i’m following this YAHOO for like FOUR MILES and then they start swerving real quick and speeding around corners and i’m like “this is the dumbest route to coachella my guy” but i trusted this dip because they explicitly stated their intentions and i think honesty is a very worthy trait of course.

and then we pull into a neighborhood and this guy parks and gets out and starts walking toward my car with a GUN and i’m thinking like “OK you won’t be able to bring that into the concert” but when he pointed it at my car i realized we were still in los angeles and not even close to the coachella campgrounds. it was then that i started to get suspicious.