TABLE of CONTENTS

I. welcome!

II. costco: a history

III. how to shop

IIII. services offered

IIIII. roman numerals: i forget how to use them

IIIIII. faqs

I. WELCOME!

welcome to costco, a bulk shopping warehouse. here you can buy toilet paper in bulk, alcohol in bulk, and live out your wildest fantasies of talking to DIRECT TV salesmen! this guide is designed to educate and help even the most un-bulkest shoppers navigate the wonderful, and sometimes scary world of COSTCO!

II. COSTCO: A HISTORY

founded in 2044 by time-traveling monks in the pacific northwest, costco wholesale was named for arthur costco, the scientist who discovered time travel and also the benefits of shopping in bulk. after traveling back in time to the 90’s or something, arthur bought a warehouse and turned it into a paintball arena. after a failed endeavor in the paintball business, arthur began selling alcohol in bulk to members of his paintball team, “the blue-ballers”. this proved far more successful than expected, and arthur soon expanded his warehouse to include toilet paper and christmas trees in september. the rest, as they say, is history.

III. HOW TO SHOP

costco can be an intimidating place for new shoppers, but fear not–it only gets worse the longer you’re there. in order to fit in at costco, be sure to grab a cart by stepping in front of an employee pushing a heavy line of carts in from the parking lot. please show your ID to whoever is not paying attention at the door. after that, you may walk slowly in the middle of the aisles while looking at the ceiling and various pallets of inaccessible items that are up on the shelves. be sure to violently turn your cart in front of other people when they try to walk by.

IIII. SERVICES OFFERED

costco offers babysitting services at the electronics center, where you can let your child turn off their still-growing brains with demonstration tablets. from there, you can shop for hours while your child gets bored, looks around for you, realizes you are gone, and has a toddler-sized mental breakdown equivalent of realizing you’ve done nothing with your life and you’re almost 30. costco employees will return your child to you when sufficient emotional damage has been dealt to your offspring.

IIIII. ROMAN NUMERALS: I FORGET HOW TO USE THEM

i’m pretty sure i learned roman numerals in like sixth grade but that was a LONG time ago.

IIIIII. FAQS

if you have any questions, please be sure to stop the employee who is carrying the heaviest item, or pushing the heaviest cart. these people know how to help you, and would be happy to stop their manual labor to help you find that automatic floss device that is in that aisle you were just in!

like it’s nothing personal, i just get tired of it. let’s be real, it’s monotonous, and unless that food is BANGIN’, i’m probably not stoked to be tearing it up in repetitious motions. when i reincarnate, i want to be a pelican. they don’t chew for nothin’, no how.

soup was good until they added all that chewy stuff. then it became like every other mainstream food.

sometimes i’ll just choke on the food when i get tired of chewing. it’s my way of putting my foot down and sticking it to the man. so if i’m found in my room, with half a turkey sandwich in hand and the other half in my windpipe, know that i died fighting for a cause.

i’m really stressed that people don’t actually appreciate my dog. like people seem to like him but when i go over to other people’s houses i’m like “this dog sucks compared to my dog” but obviously i don’t say that i’m just like “oh man your dog? SO cute”

but the problem is that my dog is actually way better than any other peoples’ dogs. and i’m afraid they don’t realize that. because let’s be real, your dog SUCKS. like dogs are cool, but your dog can’t even compare to mine. but i feel like you’re not really understanding that entirely?

are y’all pretending babies are cute and i didn’t get the memo? babies are UGLY. like some wrinkled-ass little prune of a human bean with NO FUCKING DISCERNABLE FEATURES is supposed to tug at my heartstrings. uh huh.

doesn’t help that i’m at that age when all my friends are getting married and having kids, so my goddamn social media went from awesome pics of inspiring shit like mountains, cities, musicians, pets, incredible athletes… to “hey check it out my skinbag, it survived from week four… to FIVE . that’s right, little what’s-it’s-name is already FIVE WEEKS OLD WOWWW.” #timeflies #[insertbabyname]

oh and if your baby has their own hashtag, fuck you.

the biggest argument i hear against evolution is ‘intelligent design’. like, there’s no way that the human body, in all its’ intricacies, could’ve been developed by chance. or, you know, THOUSANDS of YEARS of fine tuning and slightly meaningful deaths of our ancestors.

but yeah, when i clip my fingernails a little too far back and that little bit of underfinger blood comes out, i can feel it thanks to god? or when my brain goes, ‘shit i’m gonna have to deal with this underfinger sting for a couple days at least,’ that couldn’t possibly be anything less than intelligent creation with direct purpose?

is it so crazy to think that, with our tiny brains and intelligence, maybe we can’t fully comprehend the amount of time and patience the human body took to evolve? let’s not simplify it to capital G god. because if GOD were really designing our bodies, and he LOVES  us, why the FUCK would he make it so I HAVE TO TRIM MY STUPID PUBES EVERY THREE WEEKS, WHAT’S YOUR GAME GOD? TELL ME THE PUNCHLINE TO THIS SICK JOKE.

which is really my main point here, god if you’re out there, show me you exist — stop my pubes from growing ever again. i’m so tired of nicking my ballsack, god.

…there are rules to abide by. a lot of people don’t KNOW these rules, apparently, so i’m here to set the record straight.

1. this is NOT a lane for the SPEED LIMIT. i don’t know how many motherfuckers i gotta tell this to. the laws of california do not apply in the fast lane. if you’re doing 65 mph, first of all WELCOME to CALIFORNIA, and two of all, get the FUCK out.
2. when your speeding in the fast lane (because let’s face it, we all are in a hurry forever) you are the ALPHA of the highway. but sometimes someone is in an even bigger speed for a bigger hurry. now THEY’RE the ALPHA, and yous a bitch. GET OUT OF THE FAST LANE, you’ve been voted out of office. you may return when that big dick alpha is out of sight.
3. if you’re a truck, the middle lane is your fast lane. don’t even FUCKING LOOK LEFT, THERE’S NO MORE LANES FOR YOU HERE. DON’T EVEN SNIFF AT THOSE LEFT-MOST TWO LANES. STOP IT TRUCK.
4. “with great power comes great responsibilities.” – uncle ben, dead old man. when youre the ALPHA, be a kind ruler of your small dick subjects. a benevolent ruler uses their TURN SIGNALS  and graciously allows the lessers to know where their going.

and our last rule…

5. SERIOUSLY GUYS IF YOU AREN’T GOING AT LEAST 75MPH GET THE EVERLOVING FUCK OUT OF THE FAST LANE, I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MANY DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS I SEE IN THE FAST LANE DOING 60 AND THEY HAVE A MILE OF CARS BEHIND THEM THAT ARE ALL IN A  HURRY, THE FAST LANE IS NOT YOUR PERSONAL LANE WHERE THERE’S MAGICALLY LESS TRAFFIC, THERE’S LESS TRAFFIC BECAUSE EVERYONE SMARTER AND MORE SOCIALLY AWARE THAN YOU IS GOING FAST AND YOU CAN’T SEE THEM ANYMORE. GET THE FUCK OUT YOU NARCISSITIC FUCKING ASSHOLE.

thank you, and have safe travels!

…separated two halves of an “everything” bagel without spilling any seeds?

asking for a friend, please respond.

you know when you’re looking at a watch’s 2nd hand and it pauses there for WAY too long and you’re like “well shit my watch died, guess i need a new battery” but then your watch breaks out of its’ comfort zone and starts moving again? yeah WELCOME to the  THEORY OF RELATIVES. believe it or not, your watch can grant you IMMORTAL LIFE!! and i found out how with this one simple trick. doctors hate me!

first of all, what most people don’t know is in that split second when your watch hand isn’t moving, time has actually CEASED to exist. time is a man-made construct, and we can control it.

so all you need to do to LIVE  FOREVER  is fill a small room with analog watches all over the walls. sit inside, and look briefly from watch to watch, but don’t announce which watch you’ll be looking at next, so the watches will be startled by your intense gaze. in that way, you can capture the watches by surprise and slow down time, probably forever if you keep a mini fridge nearby and sit on a working toilet.

…as when someone goes for a fist bump instead of a handshake? now we have to spend like three damn seconds playing a game of “who’s the alpha” while i try to accommodate what you want and vice verse-a.

fine whatever, it’s not like i’ve never fisted a relative stranger before, but i thought we settled this hundreds of years ago. now i have to awkwardly re-contort my hand because you had to re-write a commonality most of humanity had with one another. IT’S FINE, we have PLENTY of universal commonalities, we can afford to fuck that one up.

you know what, i’m being unfair to the bump crowd. bumping is more hygienic, i suppose. we all need a reset, a UNIVERSAL RESET, starting after you read this post. we’re all gonna stop shaking and bumping and we’re gonna let the coolest guy on earth PAUL RUDD decide whether we’re shakers or bumpers. WHATEVER HE SAYS GOES.

everyone says millenials are runing the country with avocadeo toast and ADHD phone aaddiction, but you know how the real enemy is? yes friends it’s the backspace key on that keyboard you’re looking at. we’ve raised a generation of SECOND  GUESSIN G  wussies who think that going backwards even when typing is OK. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN DUDE and mean what you say.

we’re gonna have a millenial president once day and russia led by robot bladimir putin (’cause let’s e real he’s never NOT going to lead that country again) is finally gonna launch the nukes and we’re sittin’ here with president self-esteem mcmillenial with the codes to the “stop it ” button and theyare gonna be backspacing the codes out ’cause they still want russis to like them when this is all over and bam. the united states is the new nuketown map for call of duty 54, or whatever number call of duty they’re up to by then. what an awful franchise by the way, jesus.

so yeah in conclustion stop using your backspace key, it is only holding you back from your TRUE  POTENTIAL. i have stopped using it and my writing is never ben better.