i mean, you really started a gofund me for your birthday? i’m supposed to shell out money to your kickstarter because you have an idea for an app?

bitch i got app ideas too. i got an idea for an app that uses GPS to find the nearest public bathroom to you in 911s. it’s called IN A PINCH and you can rate the public restrooms you use for other Pinchers to see. i haven’t decided if you should be able to upload pics yet. i feel like that feature could be abused.

but seriously todd, yeah i get it your gofund me is gonna help you change the world. why don’t you get a business plan and some solid market research with some graphs and pi charts and shit and get back to me. then we’ll talk about your automated drone dog-walking service.

…and inside, there’s a person trying to use that tiny bathroom made for garden gnomes. they have probably accidentally splashed pee on their jeans when their plane hit turbulence.

find that person.

go to the airport and search intensely through people’s crotches. they exist, and they think we don’t know, but we know. and we’re committed to excellence.

whose bright idea was it to keep me strapped into an actively crumbling hunk of sharp plastics and metal?  bitch if it’s my wheels’ time to take that midnight drive to the great junkyard in the sky, i want to be free and clear of that shit ASAP as POSSIBLE.

don’t mind me, i’ll just do a quick frontflip and land on my feet 250 ft. away from that shit like peter parker. speaking of peter parker, there’s probably a valet out there named peter parker and i think that’s pretty dope. he IS the parker.