never before has a marketing department combined such a penchant for idiotic, inane, nonsensical, obnoxious, asinine commercials with an inexplicable sustainability that has lasted for actual decades. actual fucking decades. geico has been shitting out its early 2000s youtube style ‘ha ha so random lol’ humor for fucking decades. and the worst part is, it’s actually worked, because yes i am insured by geico.

let me ask you: who is geico’s mascot, the face of their brand? is it the australian gecko that’s been plaguing households for ages? is it the cavemen that were so fucking goddamn hilarious that they necessitated a sitcom spinoff? is it the two guys with a completely unnecessary guitar and banjo who explain the joke to the viewer? is it dikembe mutombo? if you can’t really decide, then we’re on the same page. and for the record, geico’s marketing team can’t decide either, that’s why they just shit out whatever randum lulz the new intern drops into the suggestion box.

for reference, let’s look at progressive: flo, the extremely goddam annoying (but consistent) insurance rep. state farm is aaron fucking rodgers but they’re trying to replace him with some other QB, just like green bay is literally doing this offseason. somehow, farmer’s insurance landed world-class actor JK simmons to be the face of their company. i’m still trying to figure that one out. but all of these companies are professional, focused, and mature in their levity, even if the jokes don’t always land (looking at you, progressive, you’re next to be cancelled for your shitty fucking jokes i swear to god)

and then there’s geico.

cavemen. screaming squirrels. pinocchio puppet. incredulous gecko. basketball player in a grocery store. hump day camel. there are so many more but i’m getting angry having to google these.

i’m honestly considering paying 15% or more on car insurance just so i don’t have to live with myself and the knowledge that i financially support this stupid fucking degradation of society. in the meantime, i’ll just keep doing my part and stomping any geckos i come across.

“bashing yeezy, how original,” you mutter sarcastically to yourself, sipping your chai latte from your yeti brand tumbler, your macbook balanced snugly on your supreme brand hoodie. yeah no one’s coming to this blog for originality, because originality died thirty years ago when commoners started pretending to “get” modern art. so all we are is a fucking untethered astronaut doggy-paddling through space just because it’s something to do before our oxygen finally runs out and we disappear unknown into the void.

so anyway, without further a dudes, kanye west.

kanye west was born in chicago, at least according to his fifteen songs about the city. he started out as a scrappy underdog, going against the grain by producing his own tracks and more shockingly, wearing pink clothing from time to time. because yeah, guys wearing pink was actually controversial at the time.

he was vaulted into the spotlight by being jay z’s protege and also by being better than jay z in basically every way except smoking cigars. by ye’s third album, graduation, he’d scored multiple radio hits and built his identity around one simple mantra — “i am whatever you hate.” and he’s played that personality to great success throughout his career, doing really shitty stuff to others before turning haters into believers with fucking genre-bending albums like 808’s, and genre-defining master works like beautiful dark twisted fantasy.

and then came yeezus, or as i like to call it, “the last kanye west album.” sharp synth spikes, aggressive, scratchy, lo-fi beats, and more anger than a guy receiving “lol” in response to a dick pic. it was the last time ye was really honest with us, or maybe even honest with himself.

everything after that has vibrated wildly between bloated, underdeveloped, boring, or any combination of those words plus their neighbors in the thesaurus. and yeah this is a controversial take, but i look forward to hearing your well-thought out and academic comments below. the life of pablo was an interesting view into what would happen if kanye never heard the word “no,” and forgot that movies and album tracklistings are edited before release and, let’s say… 99.998% of the time, better for it.

ye (the album) was uninspired and languished mostly on kanye’s proclamation that everything up until now was a result of bipolar disorder, and also, HOW DARE YOU? and then he hopped on the MAGA train and i gotta be honest, that was less offensive than his gospel album whos name i can’t even remember because it was so trash. and now at this point, i’m considering converting to christianity so my prayers for kanye’s conversion to atheism are heard by god. at least then he could go back to creating interesting material.

so the moral of the story is: quit while you’re ahead and work with daft punk as much as possible.

oh shit i almost forgot, have you seen his “clothing line”? LMFAO that’s gonna be the featured image for this post.

i add ONE FUCKING COWORKER who has his corvette as his profile pic on IG, and all of a sudden my suggested friends feed is entirely trucks and sports cars with names. is there a feature in new cars that lets them connect to the internet and automatically upload every pic you take of your dumbass car? is there something about buying an expensive car or truck that erases your capability to make normal friends who don’t worship cars like an incel who latches onto a fictional female character?

apparently words like “horsepower” and “hemi” constitute a personality. and using deisel gasoline is tied to masculinity? ask your friend who drives the truck with a seven foot lift if he’s ever considered getting a tesla. i guarantee they’ll laugh and/or act like you’ve assaulted their fragile masculinity. so yeah, that’s what the internet needs more of, toxic masculinity, let’s keep that going.

what is it about the particular art form that is anime and manga that enjoys uh… what’s the diplomatic way to put it? wasting my fucking time? it’s like an entire style dedicated to mastering the mediocrity of “quantity over quality.” now i can already hear you sharpening your katana and saying, ‘NO — that’s not true. what about [insert your favorite anime]?” to which i say i have a paper clip attached to a rubber band, and i’m not afraid to use it weeb. stay back.

consider the “classics”: dragonball z – 291 episodes. one piece – 97 volumes. naruto – 220 episodes and a really fucking cringe way to run. who’s doing QC on these series? how do you buy 97 volumes of a manga and assert to yourself that you do, in fact, have self-respect? i have no problem with long-form content but goddamn do we need episodes about the gang going fishing? there’s a reason that, in movies, when a character leaves their house to go to an important meeting, they just show up at the meeting in the next scene. we don’t see the person get in their car, adjust their mirrors, back out of the driveway, miss the green light on that one intersection that takes forever to change, finally reach the freeway only to find that the traffic is far worse than google maps had estimated, and proceed to sit in traffic for 45 minutes with only their thoughts as they tune out the mindless morning talk radio.

that’s what anime is. watching your plot’s protagonist sit in traffic.

and if you’re currently mentally constructing your equal parts scathing and witty take-down to this post, consider the facts that a) i do watch anime and am not making this up, and b) i really, really don’t care what you have to say. also, i do have a concealed carry permit for my rubber band/paper clip weapon and i’m highly trained with it.

it’s a beautiful day here in sunny los angeles, and we’ve got delegates from all the usual self-promoters: the cross-fitters, the vegan community, and the military veterans. but wait, we’ve got a new group represented in this year’s self-fellating olympics: the ex-facebookers! tim, i’m really proud to see this new self-absorbed, conversation monopolizing group qualify for the Nobody Asked-athon this year.

that’s right chad. while the ex-facebookers have always been a self-congratulatory bunch, their numbers have finally reached that sweet spot where they can circlejerk each other with relative ease and frequency. and lucky for them, facebook is still popular enough that not using it can be considered having a personality.

thanks for that analysis, tim. let’s go down to the field where it looks like our social settings are just about set. we have several groups of four people engaged in polite, adult conversation. none of our participants have ever been in the military, used facebook, gone vegan, or done crossfit, just to make sure that their personalities are unique and entirely their own. we’ll be releasing the contestants in just a minute, and judges will be looking for the following: how long does it take them to insert their singular personality trait into the conversation? and how long can they keep the conversation centered on themselves? of course, they lose points if the conversation is able to return to a normal, inclusive topic, but can gain points back if they make condescending remarks towards people asking genuine questions, or are able to refocus the conversations on themselves.

and we’re off, chad, the conversations are in full swing and our normal participants are enjoying polite conversation. release the contestants!

oh, looks like the ex-facebooker is the first to insert their agenda into a conversation! our crossfit, veteran, and vegan contestants are still fidgeting impatiently in the social circles.

well chad, we should’ve expected the ex-facebookers to make a strong start. most conversation nowadays involves describing a meme or video you saw on social media to your friends.

that’s right, tim. now we see our vegan contestant reprimanding someone who was talking about BBQ, he’ll get massive points for that! but uh oh, looks like the group isn’t taking to him so well, he might have to find another group conversation to bomb! in another social circle, it looks like our crossfit contestant gave up on politeness and simply stated “i do crossfit” to the group unprompted.

that’s gotta be awkward, chad, that group was talking about the unusually cold winter season we’ve been having. i can’t imagine the crossfitter will last long in that social circle, but she’s still certainly trying!

uh oh, look out, tim! our veteran is coming in hot! he found a group discussing the merits of civil disobedience, and it looks as though the vet knows all about it, seeing as they served as a vehicle mechanic in remote texas for three years.

that’s right, chad. as we’ve seen in the past 10 contests, it’s especially hard to tell a veteran to shut the fuck up because they truly believe that you owe them everything, including your very life. we’re seeing that again this year, as everyone in that circle is clearly uncomfortable and recognizes that this man has 0 authority or knowledge about the topic!

unfortunately tim, to interrupt a veteran makes you a socialist, communist, satanist, AND unpatriotic! everyone knows that. the veterans with a strong showing once again.

as our time draws to a close, we’re seeing the ex-facebooker has turned the conversation towards privacy violations and mark zuckerberg’s tax evasion! what an ingenius strategy!

that’s right tim, it’s hard to deny that facebook is a piece of shit asshole. we’re seeing a lot of participants having a hard time refuting the ex-facebooker’s claims, even though you can tell they’d much rather be talking about memes again!

uh oh! it looks like this year’s delgate from the veteran group SERVED IN IRAQ! THAT’S THE FINISHING MOVE, IT’S OVER! FOR THE ELEVENTH YEAR IN A ROW, THE VETERANS ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF SELF-FELLATIO! IT’S OVER!

wow, tim, we knew the veterans would be bringing their A game, but we had no idea that this year’s contestant was deployed for three months to a foreign country. that makes them the foremost authority on every subject possible in polite conversation, and the fact that you can’t disagree with a fragile veteran means that is CHECKMATE.

congratulations to all our contestants. you’re all losers in our books, but it looks like the veterans are the most annoying, insufferable pieces of shit to have to be around for the eleventh year in a row. thank you for watching the 14th annual Nobody Asked-athon. let’s go enjoy some fucking peace and quiet for five minutes, chad.

before we begin, a disclaimer is in order: i love my girlfriend. she’s a lovely woman whose patience with me is near endless. i don’t say it IS endless, because i located the cliff where her patience drives into the sea like a couple of erotic bank robbers in an old pontiac on the run from 34 police cruisers. apparently, the toilet seat should be bolted to the porcelain bowl? or at least, she shall ne’er see the horrific underbelly of the seat, lest she look into the eyes of satan and be damned. maybe that’s why she shrieked like regan macneil and crab walked down the stairs when i left the seat up that one day.

well when she puts the toilet paper on upside down (new sheet goes over, not under, you barbarians) i don’t mind. but i draw the line at the toilet seat. and yes, it is a matter of equality, stop rolling your eyes and allow me to mansplain the situation.

i pee standing up. my girlfriend pees standing down i think. the toilet seat has hinges so it goes both ways. NO BODY wants pee on the toilet seat, i think we can all agree (unless my readers all happen to be frequent gas station bathroom users, i think that might be a “thing” for some people). so why’s it that the changing of the seat orientation rests solely on my shoulders? CHIVALRY? oh i’m sorry, i thought we were shooting for EQUALITY, not fostering low-key dependence on males via small niceties and pandering gestures. SO NOW I’M THE BAD GUY ’cause i care about my GFs equality and she has to touch the seat. well ya think i like touching the seat either?

and don’t give me that “well if you divide up the percentage of use between the two people in a relationship, the majority of the usage is done seat down” bullshit. the usage has nothing to do with it if i’m doing 100% of the seat orientation reconfiguration. and if you’re saying to yourself, “wow, it’s such a small thing to do for someone else, you must be an asshole,” then yeah i agree — it is a small thing to do so why am i being sprayed with a spray bottle right now like a dog who pissed on your rose bush? i also agree with the “asshole” assessment, but if that’s your bar for “asshole” then welcome to the blog, you’re gonna love it.

page 1: our story begins as you step out to head to work. you kick your dog goodbye and shut the door behind you. as you turn towards your fiat, you see your neighbor jogging by who you’ve kind of talked to once or twice before. do you say:

(“run forest, run!” in a stupid ssouthern accent) – turn to page 37
(nothing, just wave) – turn to page 20

page 33: you’re walking through the grocery store and you see a very tall man walking down the aisle towards you. you have only moments to think of something extremely witty and original before this freak passes by you forever. do you say:

(“how’s the weather up there? hurr hurr”) – turn to page 41
(“do you play basketball??”) – turn to page 97
(nothing, just smile at them because they’re a human person and not a setup for your improv comedy) – turn to page 20

page 17: you’re driving home from work after a long shift. you approach an intersection where you’ll have to make a right-hand turn to get home. do you:

(turn on your right turn signal so other people who exist outside of yourself know your intent and can plan accordingly) – turn to page 20
(wait until the last second before your turn before slamming on your brakes and slowly turning onto the next street, completely forgetting that other people exist behind you and would probably like to know that you’re about to go from 40mph to approximately 3mph right in front of them and their families, who are also traveling at about 40 mph?) – turn to page 1192

page 20: congratulations, you are a normal, functioning human adult. you probably won’t read this page beccause apparently its really hard to get to? author’s note: fuck all of you.

so… you just went to the museum of modern art. you might be feeling confused, even angry, at the pieces that the state has deemed “priceless”. you stared, wordlessly yet trembling with fury, at two colored squares of a mark rothko numbered painting. then, the cursed phrase was uttered from your bitter tongue: “give me some paint and i could’ve donnit myself.”

oh you CHEEKY fucker. you know, i’d be willing to bet that you probably could recreate a rothko if you really, really focused your attention span so hard. i believe in you. of course, what you and everyone else who’s uttered the cursed phrase don’t understand, is that the “doing it yourself” is only 5% of being an artist. yeah, you coulda filled some water balloons with paint and hurled it at a massive blank canvas… but you didn’t, did you? you could’ve painted two squares of solid color on the same canvas to see how colors affect one another. BUT YOU DIDN’T, DID YOU.

if only you had that original, unique creative thought before another artist did… damn, so close. could’ve been a millionaire. maybe next time you can have a good idea before 20/20 hindsight grants you the blessing of clairvoyance. i mean, fucking imagine readintg the lord of the rings and saying to yourself, “pf, i could’ve written a story about a cursed ring.” yeah, you sound fucking stupid don’t you.

one of the (only) good things about kids is that they never leave any doubt as to their true form. you will never meet an asshole child who you don’t know is an asshole right away. they will make it apparent and they don’t give two shits that you don’t like them, ’cause they didn’t like you first so there. also you’re a stupid doody-head old person so who cares.

but even if you’re a teacher looking at your student roster for the semester, you can already tell who’s gonna be the problem before you’ve even met them. they always say, ‘don’t judge a book by its cover,’ but why then do books have covers? why do they pay graphic designers thousands of dollars to create eye-catching covers? we were meant to judge books by their covers, fuck you, you self-righteous, holier than thou doody-head.

look no further than these names, for example:

“angel” = my parents elevated me to godhood before i could even walk, so obviously i’m going to be SUPER well-adjusted and not at all have any problem with being told ‘no’ at all throughout my life.

“summer” = my parents named me after the sunny, free season where there’s no school and everyone plays at the beach all day, carefree. i will never know consequences.

“starlett” = i will ONLY raise my hand in class when teacher says something that contradicts my mom. i begin every sentence with, ‘well, my mom said that…’

“cloud” = i will either be a yoga instructor or a katana-owning anime fanatic. there is no in-between. either way, i will interject into adult conversations with seemingly non-sensical fantasies that you will come to realize make perfect sense in my disconnected brain.

whatever happened to just naming kids after biblical shit, or slapping “john” onto your fourth child ’cause goddamn it just feels different with no condom and no one actually expected it to get this far? i mean, i won’t go into the psychology behind naming your kid [your name + ‘jr.’] but even ‘james jr.’ is better than ‘lavender’. also, if you named your child after a game of thrones character, please message me privately. i’ll pay for your vasectomy.